I do this every year, and every year it turns into whining about what I didn't like about my life. Why break tradition?
I busted my ass to graduate from college this year. I spent 4 years straight taking class after class and turning my brain to mush. But I have a piece of paper that will get me considered for a job more quickly, so that's cool. I'm glad school is over even though I miss the routines and the assignments.
I got a JOB.
I lost my life.
I left behind my husband, my home, and one of my furry kitty babies because I wasn't getting something that I desperately needed. I wasn't loved or appreciated the way I felt I should be.
I'm working on rebuilding my life into what I want it to be. Me and my cat in a crappy apartment (that's getting better thanks to a concerned maintenance guy) with friends who come by and a gentleman friend who fills my days with smiles and laughter when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
I'm going to spend 2015 reconnecting with friends and truly making my life about what I want out of it. I want to start doing creative things again. I want to streamline my life and make it simple. I want to game more. I want to travel. I want to hike. I want to fly a kite on the beach and get grass in my hair watching the stars. I want to find ME.
After a breif veiwing of his facebook page I have determined that Bob will never have anything posted to his facebook again, because all of his news feed is stuff I tagged him in!
I can't even begin to describe to you how horrible it feels to look at the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with and tell them that you want to take it all back. I can't tell you how horrible it really had to get for me to think of that as a serious possibility.
I can tell you that while I know that getting out of that situation is the best thing for me mentally, I still wish I could go back.
I miss the comfort. The stability. I miss never wondering if I'm going to be able to budget well enough to afford rent AND buy christmas presents. I miss being able to go to walmart and buy the stuff I need without wondering if I just screwed myself out of the power bill by $.50.
I feel like an asshole because I took my cat. He has spent the last 2 days wondering about this strange new place, calling for his sister and his daddy and wondering where the rest of his house went. All he wants to do is cuddle with me and he won't leave me alone because I am his only companionship. This is the hardest thing for me. I can't take him back, I would probably be more of a mess without him. But I know that he is suffering because he's lonely. I cry thinking about how lonely it must be without me here, because he's never not had another kitty to cuddle with or love on, or play with. Now he's on his own, just like me. I know how bad I feel. Is it really fair to put him through that too?
I'm so scared that I'm gonna screw this whole thing up, and I'm going to end up with terrible credit living in my mom's basement. I'm scared I will lose my job and not be able to take care of myself. I've never done this before. I know that I'm lucky, because he wants to help, and he's been buying me gas and groceries. I've been trying to rely less and less on him for things, but it's hard. I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to make rent, or that I'm going to forget to pay a bill and have something turned off.
My friends and family have all been wonderfully supportive of me. To the point that I had 8 offers of crash space before I got my place. I know that if I ever need anybody, all I have to do is shout. I want to curl up in a ball in the closet and just stop existing, and I probably would if it wasn't for my friends and family. I had a fantastic birthday, thanks to my friends and family. I forgot to be sad. It was wonderful.
But now all the sad is here. All the crying is happening. All the feels. All the feels.
divorced. I'm getting divorced. booooo.
I came to starbucks so that I didn't have to deal with the people who would surround me at the place I would rather be. I put my stuff at the only unoccupied spot in the whole place, and went to retrieve a beverage. So I get my drink, and this guy has insinuated himself at the chair next to mine, and has laid claim to half of the space on my tiny table.
Ok, whatever. At least he won't be trying to talk to me.
But his family is here too. A wife and 3 kids. And his kids are here to spend time with him. So even though mom is at a different table across the damn store, he is here, and his kids keep coming up to pester him.
That is NOT ok.
By bothering their father, they are bugging the fuck out of me. There is a kid hovering right now. He's trying to catch a glimpse of what daddy is doing, and he's humming under his breath, and I think I am going to commit murder any fucking second, because I just wanted a place where I could FUCKING WORK. Tell your kids to fuck off, or go fucking sit with me. I was here first. I scouted this spot as the one where I would be the least bothered by people. How DARE you bring people into MY space? Please leave. Go sit with your family. Go spend time with them. Leave me alone in my corner.
Still doing everything I can to keep from completing homework. I like sitting in front of my computer, I just don't like doing any of the actual work. Boo.
About 70% of my homework is from 1 class. I would understand if this was from the class that takes up an entire day each week, which covers an insane amount of information in that time. But this is from the reading assessment class on Tuesday mornings that covers all of the stuff we had to read to do the homework. Which is only a small part of the things we have to do for this class. We didn't have class last week, so instead we got an online discussion module. Which would have been awesome if it didn't take 3x the amount of time we would have been in class.
My cohorts have unofficially declared me their leader. They come to me with questions and complaints. I regularly post homework assignments on our facebook group so that everybody knows what the homework is. I plan study groups. I give advice. It's kinda neat. Except when everybody comes to me complaining about the workload. I don't know what to say. I agree with them that the workload is unreasonable. I don't know what I can do about it. I can't walk up to the professor and say "Hey, this is too much work, you have to change your class" after she has been teaching that class for pete knows how many semesters. It's a lot. It's going to keep piling up. We are going to have to give things up for a while. That's the only thing I can think of to do. It is kind of depressing, but there you have it. This college thing is getting hard, and we just have to suck it up. I hate it.
I also feel like I am neglecting my husband, though he will never say anything. Good thing he knows how to amuse himself, or we might be in trouble.
I'm dealing with things as they show up in my life, and at this point, spring break will be all about trying to catch up with the work load after midterms.
The world around me is crashing down.
I had two deaths in my extended families over the weekend. One was a person I only met once, and the other was a person I never met, but spent my life hearing about.
To those we have lost, you are loved and not forgotten.
I have seen couples split up, some more publicly than others, and had to console friends through hard times. I tell them it will be ok, knowing that I cannot understand what they are going through, but trying anyway.
I have seen my friends have meltdowns over school, and even had one myself. I have tried to be supportive and friendly. I have made every attempt to help.
I am fine. My close family is fine. My marriage is fine.
Yet the world around me is crashing down.
So, Bob came down with the horrible sickness, which felt to me like a very mild flu. Which blows because THE FLU, and knocked my ass out of life for my last week before I go back to school. I spent more time gaming than I intended to, because it became difficult to get up off the couch. Literally, Bob got a package and I was winded by the time I got back to the sofa, all I did was get up and walk 15 feet to the door, pick up a light box, and walk the 15 feet back to the sofa. Talk about horribly discouraging.
The worst part of all of this is that I could not do my workout. I have been looking forward to tomorrow, when we are starting all over and trying this whole thing again. I am going to adjust my eating habits to accommodate the calories I will be burning, but still try to stay low calorie. I was startled by how much I had wanted to continue making my body work better. But now I am almost over the last of the sick (a scratchy throat), and will begin again on Monday.
School for me I think will now start on Tuesday with an Orientation, at least, that's what the email my advisor sent me makes me think, but I may be completely wrong about that, and sent her an email to double check. I'll probably just go anyway, and if I'm completely wrong and I do have class on Monday, then at least I won't miss the first day, and if there is no class then I will come home and kick the ass of Core Synergistics. Either way, I am excited to get back to school, real school, not the hell I endured over the summer where I thought I would fail all the classes. This is the beginning of my teaching journey, where I will have my first classroom experiences, really get to start working with kids, and start to get a feel for my future career. I am geeking on this hard.